TW: Rape, partner violence, suicidal thoughts
Hi Allison, Jamie and Camille (and Dezzie, Dangles and Pennie)!
I’m sorry I didn’t write to you sooner, but it has been hard for me to put this in words. I wanted to thank you for talking so much about rape culture and victim blaming. It means a lot to me for a lot of reasons.
Thank you for defending me against the harassment I’ve suffered in the streets since I had the audacity to grow boobs, thank you for being willing to tell people rape jokes aren’t okay. Thank you for talking about the victim blaming that occurs when things like Steubenville happen. Thank you for not shaming the people who don’t report rapes committed against them.
I wish I had been brave enough to stand forwards when I was raped by my boyfriend, but he was my boyfriend and I had no way to prove that what he had done was non-consensual. Though he threatened to kill me repeatedly he never left any bruises.
I felt that my word against his was worthless. Every time he touched me I wanted to vomit. I’d beg him to turn the light off so I could cry without him seeing - he’d threaten me if I didn’t pretend I was enjoying it.
I very nearly committed suicide. While I was out buying the things I needed to kill myself, with my money that I’d stolen from his wallet, the absurdity of the situation hit me and I decided to run away. I hid at a women’s shelter for a time, so sure that I was taking a place someone more deserving could have had. Now I’m renting a house with a group of people. It’s good here.
It’s been about 3 years since I left him, but I still can’t shake the feeling of being human garbage. I still apologise for everything. I still back down immediately whenever someone begins to argue with me. I’m still shocked that anyone would be my friend, or say something kind to me.
Every time you say something that supports people who were in my situation it gives me strength. Every time you disagree with someone who would say I was the one in the wrong I feel better.
Thank you so much. Thank you for everything.